A Slam Poem in Response to the Article “5 Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder”

I haven’t been here for a while, I know.

I just wanted to share something that I’ve written with my community on here. :-) I don’t know how many of you have read the article on returnofkings.com called 5 Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder, but please go do so if you haven’t. It’s a really disgusting article encouraging guys that girls with eating disorders are perfect catches.

That sounds all fine and dandy on the surface, but the whole article is how their lives would improve because of the disorder. Things like ‘she’ll be cheap at a restaurant because she’ll only order a side salad, if that’, and such. So stupid.

Anyway, go read it.

http://www.returnofkings.com/21313/5-reasons-to-date-a-girl-with-an-eating-disorder

Then listen to this:

Just Checking In

Hello, everyone!

I haven’t been here for a long, long time, and I know it. I’m not going to make excuses, because I understand that other people are just as busy as I am. Especially people with eating disorders who find their worth in accomplishing meaningful tasks and making other people happy.

Anyway, I just wanted to swing by to throw out a bit of an update.

I spent this summer working full-time as an accountant and went to IOP 3 times a week in a city an hour from my home. 40 hours a week plus 9 hours of treatment and another 9 hours of commuting got exhausting, but I kicked through it and improved along the way. I also continued talking with my now boyfriend, and he officially asked me to be in a relationship with him in pursuit of marriage this past August. He’s the best.

I’m now back in school and busy as ever. I’m a senior accounting major and will be graduating with my bachelor’s degree this coming spring. Right now, I’m taking 6 classes, tutoring 15-20 hours a week, and running an organisation dedicated to fighting human trafficking. I also live in an apartment with 3 other girls, but rarely get to see them because I often don’t get home until 9pm or later. Somewhere in that schedule, I fit in time to do my own homework, attend church, and attend weekly therapy and doctor’s appointments. Plus, I want to make time for my boyfriend, so communication with him comes first, especially because it’s long distance at the moment.

Next semestre I’ll have a full-time internship with Winter Kloman Motor and Repp (WKMR) here in Wisconsin. They are a public accounting firm, and I will be a tax intern there. Funny thing – their firm is located 5 minutes from where I was first hospitalised for anorexia. Strange how these things happen in life. I’m very excited to work with them. The interview process went smoothly, and the values of the company lined up with what I would like to see in a potential employer.

There’s so much that has happened in my life, but I suppose an update on the anorexia is in order. I’m not free from it. Not yet. But I’m getting there. Sort of. It’s a very strange road. Since being in treatment this summer, I’ve thought less and less about food and calories. But, because I’ve been so busy, I’ve found more and more reasons not to eat. So, even though it’s consuming less of my mind, I’m still losing weight, and my team is upset at this point. I’ve lost 7 pounds since treatment this summer, which, over a month and a half, isn’t terrible. It’s not good, but at least it’s not extreme. Currently I’m 112.2 lbs, which is still underweight for 5’7”, but again, not terrible. I have no time to work out, so I think that’s what’s slowing the weight loss, which is good. If I was working out on top of everything I’m already doing, I just wouldn’t have any time to sleep. Not cool.

Anyway, I’m quite exhausted, so I’m going to go to bed. Sassy kitten is doing well, and she’s snuggling with my roommate right now. :-)

I’ll leave you with a picture of my boyfriend. Because I’m so blessed by him and the support he gives me.

IMG_3901

Hugs! Lots of love and smiles! <3

Hello, hello!

Oh my goodness, I’ve been gone forever. Literally. It’s been a long time since I’ve updated you all and graced you with my presence! ;-)

This will be the short and sweet version because, as usual, I am on a time crunch.

Treatment in IOP is going well. I had been faithful to my meal plan for over 3 weeks (until today – oops!), and I gained some. I’m super uncomfortable in my body now. Not that I wasn’t before, but it’s always tough gaining weight and knowing it. My body yells at me for restricting now – it gets all gross-feeling when I don’t have food. That’s a new response that I haven’t felt before. It’s not just knawing hunger, it’s digestive tract crap, and I’ve never had that symptom.

They upped my anxiety med, so things are improving on that end, too. I felt really restless today, though, so I had to go out and walk for 2 hours. Hey, at least it wasn’t running. That would be breaking my no-exercise mandate in an even worse way, haha.

My family just left for a week-long camping trip. Correction: my brother and mom left. Dad took them there to tell them how to set it up (he’s too heavy and immobile to help in any physical way anymore). So I’ve had the whole afternoon to myself, and it has been absolutely lovely. I could get away with behaviours without anyone saying anything or seeing anything. That’s horrible, I know, but I just really had to get out today. Back to compensation – After only eating a half-bowl of cereal for breakfast and a granola bar and homemade smoothie at lunch, I allowed myself a diet iced coffee – but only if I walked to the shoppe to go get it. I’m drinking that now.

On 4th of July I was walking in the sand and mis-stepped, twisting my knee. Yes, I walked on it many miles today. Yes, it hurts. No, I don’t care, haha. It will be pretty sore tomorrow, and I’ll have to step gingerly on it all day. IOP staff will ask what happened, and I’ll have to tell them. That will be a fun conversation, I’m sure.

My kitten is also constantly sick. She throws up almost every other day and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried switching foods, but that didn’t seem to help. I know our basement is unfinished, so she may be eating some paint pieces or dirt down there. The only problem is my parents will only allow the litter box in the basement, so we can’t lock her out of there. I don’t know – that little predicament is stressing me out a bit, especially when I get up at 5:30am to go to work, leave straight from work in the afternoon to commute to IOP, and then finally get back home at 10pm, only to find puke on the floor. Not cool. My poor baby kittens.

Anyway, that’s about all! Have a lovely day, and know that I love and miss you all!

I feel so busy!

Craziness. I just got home for the first time today about a half-hour ago. This morning, before leaving for church at 9:15am, I baked triple layer cake. Meaning I got up at 6am. And worked with food. Didn’t eat any of it – I was proud of myself for that. That pride is for two reasons: 1) because I resisted sweet food (my favourite), and 2) because I decided to stick with my meal plan and eat a nutritious breakfast instead of inhaling cake for breakfast. Then I left for church and went straight to Best Buy after attending for my vehicle radio installation appointment.

Once I came back home, I made myself a delicious lunch. I made myself a panini, grabbed some carrots, and blended my own mango pineapple fruit smoothie. That is exactly according to my meal plan, so I feel good about that. I’ve been doing really well with the plan this past week, and I’m just seriously ready to recover. I don’t want to feel like shit all the time, and I want to focus on something other than stupid food, weight, and worthlessness.

Ill probably enjoy today by walking a bit outside, but no crazy exercise. I would love to lose myself in running, but I really should do what I know is healthy for me right now. Treatment is going so well, and the last thing I want to do is sabotage that progress. I’ve done that enough times to know that it doesn’t get me anywhere positive. I also have to plan some events for my organisation and start planning a bachelorette party and bridal shower for my best friend’s wedding this August. Time to get started!

With treatment 3 nights a week, working full-time, and church involvement, I’m exhausted. But I have to just keep chugging along! Plus, my cat is sick, so caring for her has been more of a handful of late. Poor little kitten. :-( I wish I knew how she got sick so I could keep her healthy!

But, it’s off to planning! I’m sorry I’m not around here as much – I really do miss you all! I just am really pressed for time right now. Preparing food and eating it are now two chunks of time I have to re-add to my schedule, making me more busy than I previously felt. Today the sun is shining, so enjoy the day everyone!

What an honour! Liebster nominations!

So, I’ve been gone for a day or two, and I come back to see that RecoveryWarrior has nominated me for the Liebster Award! Thanks, girl! I’m glad to chat with you here, and absorb your encouragement on this journey. :-)

I’ll start out with 11 random facts about me, and then I’ll answer the questions that RecoveryWarrior asked of me. Then, I get to pick some of y’all (my readers) to nominate, and give you a set of questions to answer!

 

Random facts!

1. I once attempted to teach myself contortion, but quit before I permanently wrecked my body without knowing what I was doing.

2. I used to write classical music for the pipe organ, string ensembles, and the piano. I don’t anymore because time is non-existent.

3. I love spoken word poetry.

4. I can hyperextend many of my joints – my elbows, knees, and thumbs all bend backwards, and my shoulders and hips fall out of socket.

5. I used to be into corseting, or waist-training. For me, though, that was a highly disordered behaviour, so I eventually gave it up.

6. I own a pet cactus. His name is Freckles.

7. My favourite subject in school was physics, and I got ripped apart for that in high school. Not my fault kids don’t like logic and numbers.

8. I’ve never felt my age. I’ve always felt years older. My best friends in high school were the teachers, if that tells you anything.

9. I don’t watch TV. At all. Ever. I think it’s a waste of time.

10. Candles are the best thing this life has to offer.

11. I’ve never flipped my pillow over to ‘get to the cold side’. Being cold sucks, and so does anything that’s cold in general.

 

Alright! Now I’ll tackle the questions!

1.) Why did you start blogging?

I started to blog because I needed a way to talk through the tough things in my recovery without letting anyone in my physical surroundings know the extent of my thoughts. I don’t want them worrying about me any more than they already do.

2.) What is your dream career?

I would love to do something repetitive. Day after day. No change. No new tasks. Just familiarity. But, there are hardly any jobs like that other than factory work (which I have already done and hated), so I would like something stable. That’s why my degree is in accounting. :-)

3.) What is your greatest achievement?

My greatest achievement so far has probably been continuing to put myself through university without any debt and without any financial help from family. Scholarships have been my saving grace, and I work my butt off in the summers so that I can accomplish graduating debt-free.

4.) What do you do when you are feeling down?

I typically get busy. I know that’s not a healthy coping skill, so I’ve been working on writing, reading, looking into scripture, enjoying the sunshine in some way, and going for walks (leisurely, so that I don’t upset my treatment team). Anything to focus my mind on something else usually works. If I dwell on something negative, I blow its significance out of proportion, and that’s not healthy.

5.) Who is your greatest supporter?

Probably my best friend. It’s a toss-up between her and my mom. My mom is always there for me, but she doesn’t innately understand my struggles. My best friend often has a conflicting schedule, but she gets me without me having to explain anything. That’s a comfort that is rarely found, and I cherish it.

6.) What is your favorite quote?

“If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road.” (I like it because it’s sarcastic – that’s not how I look at others’ pain at all!)

7.) Favorite book?

Fahrenheit 451, by far.

8.) TV show?

As I said above, I don’t watch tv. But my favourite show back in the day when I did watch it was Criminal Minds.

9.) Are you more similar to your mom or dad?

Definitely my mom. But the ways in which I’m similar to my dad present conflict. For example, we’re both stubborn, but we’re often stubborn about opposite viewpoints, which doesn’t make for a peaceful relationship 24/7.

10.)What are your hobbies?

I like writing poetry, playing piano, writing music, reading by candle-light, taking bubble baths, running, writing letters, roller-blading, and dressing up. :-)

11.) What is your biggest reason to live?

To see those I care for succeed, love without bounds, and live the way they desire. Oh! And to snuggle with my kitten. ;-)

 

That was longer than I thought it was going to be! Now, for my nominations:

1. A2Eternity

2. RecoveryBound

3. ThinkingAboutLife (coffeeandbipolar)

4. Anajmb (My Descent Into Darkness)

5. AmbivalenceGirl

 

And here are the questions that you are to answer:

1. What is one thing in life that you could never regret doing, and why?

2. Who in your life makes the most effort to understand you?

3. If you could switch genders for a day, would you take the opportunity?

4. What relaxes you?

5. If you had to pick one thing to bring you out of a really dark place or deep depression, what would it be?

6. Are you more comfortable in a group of people or by yourself?

7. What is your favourite outfit to put on, and why does it make you feel more confident?

8. Are you religious? If so, what are your basic beliefs about humanity, morality, and evil? (Big question, I know!)

9. Are you daring or more risk averse?

10. In general, which is the more honest sex? (M or F)

11. Have you remembered that you’re beautiful yet, today? If not, I’m here to remind you that each one of you is precious and treasured. Your lives are inspiring, and worth coming alongside. You have taught me much, and have helped pull me through a bunch of sludge. And a scale cannot give or take that away.

Much love. :-)

Feelin’ a little crazy…

So, ya know, with all this recovery change and crap, I feel like changing up something.

I don’t want to be stuck in one spot, and I want some external way to show that a part of me is free – open to trying new things, willing to try recovery, yearning to be someone that isn’t trapped by this stupid disorder anymore.

How am I doing this?

Well, I’m changing up my hair. I’m keeping it long, mind you, but I’m adding colour. And the appointment is at 1pm today. :-)

I have to do some house cleaning before the appointment, but I’m going to come back with very changed hair. I wonder what people are going to think, but at the same time, a small part of me says ‘Screw it – I want to do something for my own pleasure for a change.’

So, when I get back, I’ll post a picture. It’s not going to be so drastic that you won’t recognise me, but I think (if they do it the way I’m asking them to do) it will be noticeably different.

I’m excited! But I’m also a little nervous. There’s all these ‘what ifs’, ya know? Like ‘what if the colour strips my natural hair colour?’ or ‘what if they don’t do a balanced job?’ or ‘what if it doesn’t look as good as I think it’s going to?’ All I can do, though, is trust them to take care of my hair, and accept whatever job they do with it. A test of my confidence in others, I suppose.

Anyway, I feel like I haven’t talked to you all in a really long time, so I wanted to post this little update. :-)

Have a lovely Saturday, y’all!